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A Sorta Fairytale

May 28th, 2010 (06:40 pm)
current mood: artistic
current song: Love Never Dies OST

An original alternative fairytale by me about the trials faced by a prince's servant.  I'm told it's very funny and I hope you enjoy it.


A Sorta Fairytale by Lil Miss Spookiness


I’m definitely not paid enough for this, I thought spitefully as I awoke to a most interesting predicament.  ‘This’ being dangling upside-down, mere inches above a deep, dark pit full of nasty beasties that are probably hungry.  The blood has rushed to my head (not the most pleasant of sensations) and I can no longer feel my legs, but perhaps that’s a good thing.  Yes, it would be better not to feel the beasties in the pit eating me alive.  I knew from the moment that idiot said, “I have another great plan…heheheh…” that this would end badly, especially for me.  Unfortunately I can’t say no to him; he is a prince after all.  Prince Vayne li Auris to be exact and I know all too well what happens when you refuse to do something the spoiled brat wants.  Me, I’m his ‘ever loyal servant’, who would really appreciate a large pay rise right about now…


The idiot, or Vayne, is the prince and heir to the kingdom of Auris, a huge, politically powerful country full of complete nincompoops who have ruined what could have once been a perfectly respectable prince by bending to his every wish.  The fools, when will they learn!  The kingdom has had a series of unbearably useless sovereigns, but do we do anything? No, not a thing.  Sometimes I resent the fact that I’m probably the smartest person in the kingdom, considering I’ve had no education (I’m only a poor servant, what do you expect?).  I really wish I could find someone smart enough to understand me, but it looks like I’m going to die before that comes true.  But that’s enough fretting, back to my moaning about the prince-with-the-brains-of-a-goldfish.  The Prince is on a “gallant quest” as he calls it and I have the wonderful job of being the donkey that carries the bags and damn is there a lot of them!  This long, pointless, ridiculous quest involves the Prince travelling to other kingdoms in search of a bride.  Sounds easy enough, right?  Well not for this Prince with his impossibly high and downright stupid standards, who also just happens to be completely shallow.  Of course, if he ever does find a wife, you have to feel sorry for her having to put up with him.  At least that’s what I thought until the Prince once said to me, “You know, when I find the perfect woman I’ll have no need for you.”  Forget chivalry I want to be rid of this guy!


Back to the present as I’m sure you are probably wondering how I got into this situation; a funny story really.  Not.  Through his travels, the Prince has made a reasonably large number of enemies, as can be seen by the trusty map of the land I carry around covered in big red X’s marking where we have been kicked out of.  I’m not entirely sure why we have a map; the Prince always just ends up going down a random path anyway.  Yet he often dramatically comes to a halt and in his I’m-better-than-you-and-you-know-it voice exclaims, “I require the legendary map that will lead me to my true love!  Now, hand it to me, forthwith!”  Every time he does that I just want to throw his stupid luggage at his face and leg it, but that’s never happened… yet.  In every kingdom we go to the Prince always does something to completely enrage the people (and usually the sovereign), generally involving that kingdom’s womenfolk who always seem to flock around him (honestly, what do they see in him?).  This, and several other things, have created friction between the Prince and other people in general.  Unfortunately some of them are quite powerful and have the money to pay an assassin’s fee.  Yes, it’s true; there are assassins after the Prince.  This being bad for me due to the fact he likes to use me as a human shield!  Donkey and Shield all in one neat little package, how quaint.  At least it would be if I hadn’t gotten shot in the ass with an arrow that one time!  It really hurt!  That was the moment I realised that the Prince was a complete and utter scumbag with not a trace of decency.


Anyway we (the Prince and his ‘donkey’) were travelling along the road to the next kingdom.  The Prince was listing the qualities of a perfect woman, while I was mumbling death threats under my breath.  I was cold, tired and had come up with some ingenious plan involving burying the Prince in the snow that was quickly becoming the only thing in view, when the object of my disgust finally stopped talking about women (a miracle in itself) and turned to me.

“It’s cold.”

“Yes, well we are in the middle of a snowy wasteland.” Stupid Prince can’t even see what’s right in front of him.

“Duh, I can see that.  Foolish peasant.  But it’s not supposed to be cold; it should be all sunshine and daisies!” he raised his arms in the air in an overdramatic fashion as if hoping that would somehow make the frosty scenery vanish.  I shifted the load on my back, trying to win some sympathy.  Never works, but still worth a try.

My thoughts were interrupted by his stupid voice colliding with my eardrums, “Which direction did we take at Marshvale?” He expects me to remember something so trivial?!  We passed Marshvale days ago!

I sifted through my memory, trying to pinpoint that particular event.  Gottcha!  “Left, we went left.”  How could I forget?  He made such a big deal out of it, ensuring me it was the right way.

“Well, there’s the problem!  We were supposed to go right!  Foolish servant, can’t you tell one direction from the other?” 

I would’ve punched myself if my arms weren’t so full of his junk.  I mean, why on earth does he need a solid gold crossbow, inlaid with diamonds?  People are starving in the streets for Pete’s sake! …Who’s Pete?

Nevermind, that’s a mystery for another day.  After meditating (i.e. zoning out) for several minutes I noticed the Prince has turned about face and was walking back the way we came.  He was quite a ways in front of me and I began to follow him when suddenly WHAM!  Something hit me from behind!  My vision faded out as I fell to the ground and the last thing I saw was the Prince walking on, oblivious to my attack.  Just another thing to add to my list of reasons to kill him…


So there you have it; the reason as to how I came to be strung upside down, about to get eaten by some nasty beasties.  Really, just what are these things?  It’s so dark I can’t make out too much.  I spy with my little eye big teeth, glowing hungry eyes and sharp claws.  Not too comforting.  My surroundings aren’t too appealing either.  It seems I’m in a big, dark, creepy-looking room with a touch-anything-and-you-will-suffer-a-most-painful-death-screaming-like-a-schoolgirl aura.  Out the window (also creepy) all I can see is white, so I presume I’m still in the delightful winter wonderland.  Honestly, who in the name of Kentucky Fried Chicken has a secret lair in some godforsaken snowy wasteland?  Except the Snow Queen… and Jack Frost… and Santa… But that’s not the point!

“Having a nice time?” Oh god, not that horrible voice resembling a squirrel going through a mangle!  Anyone but her! “Remember me, little servant?”

NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!  “Hey there, Lady Grey…Hehe?”  Lady Alana Grey.  The Prince’s ex-girlfriend and the worst experience of my life.  When her and the Prince were dating I was seriously overworked, underpaid, exhausted and mistreated and that was just the first ten minutes!  I still have nightmares.  Then one day my torture was over when the Prince grabbed me by the collar, dropped a ton of clothes and jewels in my arms and said, “We’re leaving.  Now.”  It was the nicest thing he ever said to me.

“HELLOOO!!!”  Eek! Oh, it’s Lady Grey.  I was so busy reminiscing that I forgot about her standing there.  She looked the same as ever; long, wavy blonde hair, big eyes, pouty lips, great body… generally the same as every other girl the prince has ever dated.  One thing had changed though; her usually sickeningly sweet smile was replaced with a sour expression that made her look quite scary, even scarier than the hungry sounding beasties beneath me.  “Finally, I’ve been talking to myself for five minutes now.”

“That’s usually the first sign of madness.”  Her expertly plucked eyebrow raised and she reached over and pushed a lever.  There was a jolt then I started to lower into the pit! “Okay, I’m sorry!  You’re not crazy, not at all!  Perfectly sane!  Please stop lowering me! I DON”T WANT TO BE EATEN!!!”

My terrifying descent stopped and I let out a long sigh.  “Thank you, crazy lady…”

I had just enough time to look up at her crazed eyes before she pulled the lever, screaming, “I’M NOT CRAZY!!!”


I plummeted headfirst into the deep dark pit… that was about one metre deep.  What the heck?  My head hurt somewhat from the collision, but that was about it.  No agonizing death?  I stood up then felt something fuzzy against my ankle and picked up the nasty beastie to get a better look.  Well, it didn’t exactly have big teeth, glowing hungry eyes and sharp claws.  It was a rabbit.  That just bit my finger!  “Oww, evil bunny.  I’m not a carrot.”  I released my hold on the thing as it jumped out of my hands and I began climbing out of the pit.  When I got out (not too hard a task) I scanned the room, finding Lady Grey pacing back and forth, mumbling to herself.  Crazy lady.  “Useless pit diggers… best of the best my foot… and why was a rabbit in there… I ordered viscous man-eating chimeras.”

I let out a not-so-subtle cough, gaining her attention, “Um… can I go now?  Your diabolical scheme didn’t seem to work, maybe next time?”

“Hmm, perhaps.  You realise I never wanted to capture you in the first place, but you know how assassins are; always missing their targets.”

“I know all to well.”  I rubbed my backside at the memory.  Perhaps I shall become an assassin.  Golden crossbows are pretty effective weapons afterall.  And it will give me the perfect opportunity to kill the Prince! “Hehehehehe! Mwahahahahaha!”

“Can you please quit the maniacal laughter; it’s creeping me out.”

Hmm interesting. My creepy laughter is creeping out the crazy lady, I must be scarier than I thought.  Any time I tried it on the Prince he always just looked at me like a talking spoon…  Lady Grey, meanwhile, had found a business card and was mumbling incoherently about the Assassin Association.  So I thought it a good time to make my escape.


Escaping wasn’t too difficult; there was a big neon ‘EXIT’ sign above the door.  I looked out at the wasteland, which didn’t look too bad now as the sun was rising, and began to ponder what I would do now that I had finally lost the Prince.  Maybe I’ll start a business or open a cake shop!  Or become a detective!  Then, my dreams were shattered.  “There you are, you lazy servant!”  Why?!  “How dare you run off, leaving half of my stuff lying in the middle of the road!  I should cut your pay for this!”  Not my pay too!  I sank to my knees as my newfound dreams disappeared.  How does this man ruin my life with so little effort?  “Now, get up!  We’ve got a ship to catch!”

“What ship?!” I asked bitterly.

“Keep up!  We’re going to that lovely tropical island with all the pretty women I was told about while you were here building snowmen.  So, grab the bags!  It leaves in thirty minutes and the harbour is an hour away!”

This man is the bane of my life.  I looked over at the pile of luggage, idly wondering what poor soul was duped into carrying them here, when my eyes nearly popped out of my skull.  There was twice the amount of stuff that had been there earlier!  Half of it comprised of huge treasure chests and sacks with the word ‘SWAG’ printed on them.  I think I just burst several veins in my forehead.  “You’re a jerk…” I mumbled under my breath.

“I am not a jerk…” Does this guy have super powered hearing? “…to girls.  I’m always nice to girls.  But since you’re not one I shall be a jerk to you.”


The Prince interrupted me by pointing his finger to the sky and declaring “Onwards and upwards!” as he departed, leaving me to seethe at his stupidity. 

I hate him.

He’s known me for years and all this time he thought I was a guy?!

I’ll kill him if it’s the last thing I do.  Then open a cake shop/detective agency.

Oh god, why isn’t there a servants’ union anywhere?!